Hey, I don’t know you.
Until yesterday, I didn’t have an opinion about you one way or another, because I had no idea who you were. But then you posted this on your blog, and now I have an opinion of you. Unfortunately, it’s not a particularly good one.
I think it’s great that you want to see women succeed in BJJ, and I sincerely believe that you truly want that, because I am optimistic to a fault, and I really want to believe the best of people, even though I’ve been made a fool time and time again. But I can also guarantee you that this blog post is doing you no favors, and is certainly not making you or your school look good.
Now, usually I’m as snarky and prickly as the next BJJ woman but I’m feeling magnanimous these days. A little bit, anyway, so let’s talk about what you did wrong, from one of those pesky women-point-of-views.
First: you run a business. If people don’t stay– male OR female– that’s on you, not them. As a businessperson, your job is to attract people to your business and maintain their business through good service, competitive rates, and so on. Like interpersonal relationships, in business relationships, if you keep seeing the same thing happen over and over again, that’s probably because you’re doing something that is triggering the behavior in other people (Note: does not apply to abusive relationships, only things like, “I keep dating people who aren’t as into me as I am to them!”). Your students don’t owe you their business, any more than I owe my business to Dell because one time I bought a Dell laptop. It was crap, don’t buy a Dell laptop.
Next: Your retention rates of women are poor, you say. Well, I’ve trained in quite a few places around the world, and I’ll tell you what I’ve noticed, although it is all anecdotal. The places with the best retention rates don’t necessarily have women-only classes, or even a large population of women. What they do have is an instructor who truly makes them feel like part of the team. Not a woman. Part of the team. Are we going out to do something? Of course you’re coming, you’re a teammate, aren’t you?
Hell, I’ve trained in Japan and Hong Kong, neither of which are particularly forward-thinking countries when it comes to gender relations and women’s place in society. In both of those places, I’ve witnessed women walk in off the street and stick with the sport. In Hong Kong, it’s particularly difficult to get women into the sport, but we had good retention rates. Why? Because we treated them like people, not like women. I guarantee that some of your attitude of “this chick isn’t going to stick around” is leaking into your interactions with these people.
Third: let’s talk about your guys. You say:
My guys are very nice, respectable gentlemen…
And I really want to believe that. But you know what? There are creeps in every gym, and it may not be the guy you expect to be a creep. The Academy I’m at now has the lowest creep level I’ve ever experienced, and I think that has a lot to do with the instructor, but it also has a lot to do with the fact that we’re a very competition-oriented academy. Even here, though, I experience issues. I experience issues as a 12-year veteran of the sport, wearing a brown belt, training with a competition team three times a day. What planet are you living on if you think that that white belt who just came in off the street isn’t getting propositioned, even subtly?
Okay, now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way, here’s what I want to say to you, and to all the other instructors out there bemoaning the lack of women in BJJ. Are you ready?
Stop making me responsible for my entire gender.
Did you hear me?
Stop making me responsible for my entire gender.
If you listen to nothing else in this entire letter, you better listen to this.
Story time: once I tried a pole dancing class, because why not. I enjoyed it, did my free sessions, decided it wasn’t for me, and didn’t go back. Did someone post an article online asking, “Can women really handle pole dancing?” because of my failure to commit? No, because that’s really fucking stupid.
BJJ is a sport that combines a lot of things that most people look at and go, “yeah, I think I wouldn’t do that even if you paid me.” There’s sweat, pain, physical proximity, frustration, competition, and so on; in the world that we live in, where people don’t really like to sweat much, this is like the ultimate convergence of “shit I don’t want to do.” And that’s okay, and even understandable.
I believe that you wrote this article from a good place; like I sad, I do believe that you want to see women succeed, and that’s admirable. But you need a serious attitude adjustment if you ever want to attract and keep women at your academy. I come in to train, not to be pandered to, and I certainly don’t come in to the academy to act as an ambassador for my entire gender.
I love this letter. Sincerely. thank you for writing it. I’m linking back to it on my blog. Someone made the comment like “okay, prove him wrong” on his blog and I just wanted to say no no no no no! and it’s because he’s trying to make me responsible for all the wimmins. >_<
"Stop making me responsible for my entire gender."
Yes yes yes yes yes.
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I think the creep factor is something no one other than the individuals who are being creeped on can judge. There are five women I work out with pretty regularly in judo and BJJ. I’ve never seen any of them get propositioned. I’ve never heard any jokes about their gender or sexual comments made by guys in their guard (side note: I have seen this elsewhere). I’d have to estimate the number of creeps in our gym at 0 based on my experience. But as you note, it may not be the guy you expect to be the creep.
Your point about good business stands, and is an excellent point. I do think there’s a difference that you’re abstracting away with the laptop comparison. People need computers in modern society. If I don’t buy Dell I might turn around and buy Asus, but if I need a computer I’m going to get a computer from someone. Selling BJJ has an additional nuance in it that just like any given girl seems to represent their whole gender to the grappling world, any given gym represents the whole of BJJ to every new student. Dell might lose some customers due to faulty products, but it’s unlikely they’re going to turn those individuals off from computers as a whole. A gym which doesn’t do a good job of maintaining that business relationship may be turning off an individual from BJJ as a whole (regardless of gender).
I think the aspect of doing stuff besides grappling together is important. It would be cool to see more schools do that kind of stuff. For judo we used to have potlucks every few months at someone’s house. It definitely fostered a sense of camaraderie.
Well said. I have been waiting to hear response from someone like yourself. I can confirm that Keith is coming from a good place (I train under his banner up in Canada). Honestly I do not know him too well since we only see him a few times a year but my impression has always been good and I’m convinced he’s one of the good guys. However, I was not particularly impressed with his blog and I don’t really think he, I or any other man is as qualified to comment on this topic as you–or any other women in the the BJJ world. In some ways, I think he is flat out wrong minded in some ways and is projecting a masoganistic voice he did not intend.
Keith is actually coming to our gym for grading and a seminar tomorrow and will be promoting our first female blue belts. Our base of female students is growing and I can only hope that we are treating them as equal teammates.
PS if Keith’s men are taking a ‘risk’ by training with women then THEY and their spouse have a problem not the women who they are training with.
Justin,
To say a man isn’t qualified to speak on the matter of women in Jiu Jitsu is preposterous. He was relaying his thoughts and what he has seen in his experience in 21 years of teaching experience.
Yes, Keith is one of the good guys. No, he isn’t hating women. The issue obviously has more factors involved. I am sure you could write an entire other blog (by both men and women) teachers on why the numbers of women in BJJ is low.
Keith is getting a discussion going on a topic many people whisper about but simply don’t tackle. As an instructor myself, I am always looking to expand the number of women in my school. All information is valuable, including this open letter and Keith’s blog post.
Fair point but please note that I wrote “not AS qualified” rather than “not qualified”. I was trying to respect the fact that a man’s perspective of sexism cannot be as acute or accurate as a women’s. This is fact has been proven many times in academic circles so let’s not dwell on it. Let’s move on to the more important matter that you identify: tackling (make that taking down) the problem. I agree with you that Keith and Leahhh have both contributed to that end and it sounds like you are too.
Thank you for your input.
Great post.
With your concluding statement though, I have read here on your blog that you are able to push yourself with thoughts like “if you cheat you’re letting down your entire gender”.
I know it is a hard feeling to get away from and it is certainly a motivating thought, but why do *you* make yourself responsible for your entire gender?
In an ideal world it wouldn’t be the case, but I’m a realist. I know that whether I like it or not, what I do reflects on all women in BJJ. I try to act accordingly.
Well, I think that a bit more realistically – is that you have a lot of women looking to you. You serve as some motivation and in many respects a role model – someone who has forged the way. Right or wrong, it is.
When I was a Peace Corps Volunteer, I recognized that I absolutely can’t live life if I am simply a representation of my entire [insert group here - country, gender, race, etc]. You end up being not a person, and no one can live that way all the time.
I’m the first blue belt female at my gym, and that’s exciting for me. I do recognize that how I act at my gym affects how men in my gym may view women. It’s a reality.
Anyway, just sending out some support.